Lyn Gala

One writer's journal through one version of reality

Where’s my bondmate

14 Comments


In the past, I’ve commented that I don’t get mystical bonds or mated pairs or destined pairs or whatever it means when a couple is biologically driven together.

I didn’t get it when I read fanfic and Blair and Jim absolutely had to bond or they would die. Doesn’t that negate their love because they’re forced together instead of choosing each other?

I didn’t get it when Tony and Gibbs were telepaths or vampires or part of the Sentinel universe. If they were forced to stay together, then where is the beauty in them working through problems together? Where is the power of the relationship when biology trumps all?

When people read Long, Lonely Howl, they tried to read a “bond” into the relationship, but there isn’t one. Casey has a crush on Nathan, but he’s gone years without following up on that relationship, and when they choose to be together, they have to figure out how to make it work in a pack where there is a range of compatibility between the members.

But I think I’m coming around.

Right now I am so emotionally exhausted and whiny and alone that all I want is someone who is biologically required to stand by me, because trust me, I’m not safe around anyone else. My life feels so out of control.

Mom is recovering, but it’s going to be a long, hard haul. LONG HARD haul. My fiction has been sidelined by the need to become an in-home nurse while doing all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, and tending for someone who physically can’t do for herself. And because she’s a two hundred plus pound woman, it’s hard to manage some of these tasks. Nursing care only comes out every third day, and it’s hard. It’s so hard.

Normally when I’m this stressed, I write. I retreat into a world where I have more control. But I’m too tired and too frustrated. I try to sit down with Ondry and Liam, and I find my eyes closing as I type. And I can’t catch the thread of anything.

And god help me when I see a bad review because I don’t have the emotional reserves to deal with any of it. I look at the lack of interest in Drift (three reviews on Amazon, nothing on Loose Id), and I want to cry. I feel like such a failure, and I know I’m not being emotionally fair with myself, but I can’t catch my balance.

I want a bonded mate.

Right now, I just want someone who is forced to like me, even when I’m being a little (or a lot) unlikeable. About the only thing I am consistently finding time for is The Journey Home by Jilly. It’s over on keiramarcos.com/roughtrade.

So I logged on to see if there’s another chapter and if I get myself ten or twenty minutes of indulging in a fantasy of bonded mates and love that stretched across worlds. It’s NCIS/Sentinel fanfic, and it beats up on Gibbs who can be a bit of an ass, so it scratches all my itches.

But then I get a database error on the Keira Marcos site, and I swear I want to cry. All because I want to read a stupid damn chapter of a stupid damn fanfic that clearly means more than it should right now.

 

I hate life.

 

And Jilly, I love your story, even if I’m calling it stupid because I shouldn’t care so much about Tony’s damn bonded mate.

 

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Author: lyngala

Lyn Gala started writing in the back of her science notebook in third grade and hasn't stopped since. Westerns starring men with shady pasts gave way to science fiction with questionable protagonists which eventually gave in to any story with a morally ambiguous character. Even the purest heroes have pain and loss and darkness in their hearts, and that's where she likes to find her stories. Her characters seek to better themselves and find the happy ending (or happier anyway), but it's writing the struggle that inspires her muse. When she isn't writing, Lyn Gala teaches history part time in New Mexico and constantly prays for that one big breakout novel that will let her leave the classroom behind forever. She loves teaching, but she loves writing more.

14 thoughts on “Where’s my bondmate

  1. I love that story. I’ve been following it, too.

    Aw, honey, I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I’ve been there; I was my mother’s caretaker for a couple of years between her first stroke and her second leg amputation (after that, I simply could not handle her any more and we placed her in a nursing home, which brings an entirely new set of stressors, mostly crushing guilt). People who haven’t had to be caretakers of ill adults have no idea how draining it is, and I have no magic words to improve things for you.

    If you can arrange for respite care, you might look into it. It would give you a short break every now and then. The social worker where your mom was hospitalized last may be able to tell you more about it, if it’s available in your area.

    Peace be with you.

    • I usually am better, but it was Friday of a hard week, and for some reason, just not being able to have those fifteen minutes to myself to read hit me. It feels so dumb that THAT was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but it was… at least it was yesterday. I am back up on the horse today.

      That must have been very hard to take care of your mother for so long before having to find a home. That is my biggest fear, but right now I see improvements almost daily, so I think I have time before I have to face that fear.

  2. Draft is more worth than 3 reviews. It’s a great weitten awesome story and deep inside you, you know that. You just can’t see it in your currently hard situation. *Hugehugs*
    I wish you strength and I hope your mother gets better soon.

    • Thank you so much. I do love Drift, and usually that’s enough. I just had a really down moment, and suddenly it wasn’t. I”m better now. Promise.

  3. I hope you saw the sites back up and there is a new chapter of Jilly’s story! I can sympathize. Taking care of a sick loved one is so so hard especially long term. I did it for almost four years. The best advice i can give is to try to find some time to take care of yourself. I know that seems impossible right now but maybe when the nurse is there take a nap or read a fic. Oh and I really enjoyed Drift. I’m sorry more people aren’t reading it.

    • I found that this morning, and I really did cling to the two chapters I got to read. It’s silly how little things start meaning more than they should when you’re stressed. I am trying to use the nursing time to do my thing, but it’s hard to not hover over my mom. I will get to a place where I’m more balanced emotionally. Eventually.

  4. Hope things even out for you. Sorry I did buy Drift but due to health problems,( mine fortunately I always find it harder when you are the healthy one) I haven’t read it yet. As soon as I have I will leave a review posted everywhere. I have managed a few odd chapters of WIP over on Rough Trade and have to second how much I too am enjoying Jilly’s story.

  5. Out of curiosity do you have thoughts about the entire pastiche of the TiMER movie bondmate/soulmate thing? I’ve run into a lot of them recently, where the soulmate is written on the body, or the timer in the arm or something. In case you haven’t seen it, TiMER is a 2009 movie starring Anya from BtVS: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179794/ . It was supposed to be a romcom but I always saw it as a depressing movie about the futility of fate.

  6. I’ve seen my Mom go through what you are going through three times and she is going through it again. Generally our loved ones are worth it but some days….. I understand why small yhings become so important. Small pleasures are what is needed to keep sanity and spirits up. So i am glad for you that the site is back up

  7. I hope you can feel better and your mom too. I have absolutely NO idea what it is like to go through something like that, but it has GOT to be hard. I love most of your fanfiction and I have read Claiming Tails at least 8 times. My only wish is that it was longer, but that’s only because I love it so much. Thank you for the fic rec, I had no idea that site existed so you helped me a LOT (I read very fast, so I’m always looking for more stuff to read and hoping stuff gets updated). I just thought you’d like to know that you make my day some days.

  8. I feel really bad right now for not writing a review about Drift yet. It always takes me forever to actually write a proper review when I read a book I enjoy so much. I NEVER read het romances anymore, but Turbulence is one of my all-time favourite novels so when I saw that Drift existed and I could buy it I took a few hours off from working on my thesis to just sit and enjoy the read. And I loved it, hence the lack of a review. If I had of hated it or thought it was average I would have given it stars and then moved on to something else. There was just so much that I want to say about the book that I put off writing about it until I could put all my thoughts together. I’m always hesitant to leave negative reviews because I know the agony of putting your writing out there and having people criticise it (mine is academic but it still hurts when people trash it), I had never thought about how my reluctance to leave positive reviews can hurt just as much.

    I can’t do much but sympathise with what you are going through in your day-to-day life, and I guess all I can tell you is please don’t ever think you’re a failure with your writing. There is a very short list of authors whose releases have an immediate response for me and ever since I read Claiming, Tails, and Other Alien Artifacts you have been on that list. It’s true I am an avid reader but I prefer to return to old favourites (whether authors or books) because I have a tendency to be disappointed all too often. I read Claimings because the premise interested me, once I had finished it I turned around and bought all your other books (at least the ones I could buy on the kindle store). Now when you have a book released I turn off all my electronic equipment so I can’t be interrupted and curl up on the couch with a cup of oolong and my kindle and I don’t move until I finished. I know that when I buy one of your books I won’t be disappointed, I may simply enjoy the book, I may love it, I may want to have its babies and buy copies for my friends, but I sure as shit won’t be disappointed. I am drowning in the weight of writing my thesis at the moment, so much to read, so much to do. I am about to sell everything I own and move to live in a third-world country for a year to do my research and spend half my time panicking over how stupid I am to be doing this. When all the stress and panic gets to be too much for me though, it is your work which gets me through. When I start to hyperventilate and I can’t face doing anything more on my thesis, your books are my escape. So please don’t ever for one second think that you are a failure, because I for one can’t thank you enough for just writing as you do. I just wish I could return the favour! I guess the one thing I need to do is make sure I write my damn positive reviews more regularly instead of showing my love by diving into another book. I promise I will post my review of Drift tomorrow and make sure to do the same with the rest of my backlog.

    And this ramble is why I take so long to review…

  9. Anyone know where Journey Home went? It’s not at Rough Trade anymore.

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