Variety may be the spice of life, but for some people, variety in the bedroom annoys them. Some people always take dominant roles. Lady Joy, a beautiful Domme I met at a play party, said she cannot even come without dominating someone, usually in rather severe ways.
The live-in submissive of an Internet friend commented that he can’t even understand switches. He always needs to be controlled and hurt. Personally, I am a little more flexible, but only under certain circumstances. I would pretty much spork my eyes out before submitting to a man or letting his dick near me, which doesn’t mean I couldn’t have fun playing with one. Sorry guys, nothing personal, but that’s just my dynamic. I’m far more into (and flexible with) women. Everyone has their own limits.
However, I am so tired of reviewers denying this simple truth.
“She’s like most women—she thinks all men have fixed roles!” they wail.
Yes, wail. That’s how I “hear” the words when I read reviews like that.
For the record, I don’t think all men have fixed roles any more than I think all women have fixed roles or all transgendered people have fixed roles. I also believe that some people prefer to have more fixed roles.
Tom in Blowback always wants to submit (and preferably to women where his trust issues are less likely to make him fight the restraints).
Temar and Shan in the Desert World books are flexible. Events have made Temar a little hesitant, but by the end of Desert World Rebirth, we have plenty of flexibility.
Jeremy is not flexible at all. The protagonist of Out of Balance is a bit of a pain slut (or a lot of one) and he really needs bondage and pain to get his groove on. On the other hand, Ferro from “Shepherd Slave and Vow” is just a happy slut. He’ll try anything, anytime. Top, bottom, or in the middle—he’s good with it all.
However, I’ve had about three reviewers wailing (yep, an unfair characterization and unnecessary editorialization that I’m going to keep using because it makes me feel better) that “like most women” I think men have fixed sexuality.
No, no I don’t. I think men and women and intersexed individuals and transgendered and heterosexuals and homosexuals and bisexuals and bigendered and cisgendered and transsexuals and pangendered and transvestites are all unique.
So, in some of my stories, you’ll find those who are flexible. Vin from my upcoming In the Weeds is all Dom all the time. In fact, he has trouble reining in his urges to both dominate and play papa-bear all the time. However, as much as he loves to dominate, he is happy to be the pitcher or the catcher. So he’s half-flexible. Stunt from my in progress Mountain Prey really does need to be tied up and taken hard to let go, so he’s inflexible. Rahul Dwivedi from a book still in draft and blurb stage is so flexible it will break your mind. Fireplay, topping, bottoming, sensation play… if he hears about it, he wants to try it. All of it.
So stop assuming. Stop assuming that gay men have to pursue flexible roles. Stop assuming that they can’t enjoy flexible roles. Stop assuming that topping means dominating or that a submissive can’t be a damn good top. Stop assuming that any two people–gay or straight– have to express sexuality the same way or that people have to even have sex to be sexual.
Just stop assuming.
Personally, I’m going to keep writing books with characters as different as the people I know in real life. RJ is a woman who identifies as a man. Miss Dolphinia is a pushy old queen who is as dominant as they come. Nikolai prefers hand-jobs or oral sex, while Carl wants to be the “catcher” every time.
Variety is the spice of life, but only some people want a spicy bedroom. That’s okay, too.